Depression
Thursday, July 06, 2006

I feel so terribly sad now.

It's partially the song I am listening to.. JunYang's sha sha de shui, which I was attracted to since first hearing it on Saturday after SYF. It makes my feel all empty, as if something precious is taken from you. Sighh.

It's also my fault. I am not really thinking straight these days. I feel so horrible. I am starting to feel that there's a barrier surrounding me, a gou1 qu1 (huge gap) that grows bigger by each day. No, I don't hate anybody, it's meaningless. Instead, I am scared of people. I don't want to say something wrong and anger someone. I don't know if I am being too sensitive or what, but I find myself trying to guess what a person is thinking, whether she's angry or feeling sad, which makes me feel real bad, as most times I believe they think negatively about me. I rarely gets too close to most people, 'cos I don't want to get hurt. I felt that before, it pained me. I find no meaning in my existance. I am so useless and sometimes I wonder what good am I being alive and leeching on my parents' money? I am ugly, dumb and fat. (My mum says that to me daily) I am grossed out by myself. Urgh.

Throughout today, I had stomach ache. As in really stomach. Felt like gastric pain. At 7.30 we were still trapped at the bus stop outside school. (Seriously, next time you people tell us before hand that you are going off by other modes of transport and not make us wait for you. Waste our time. - ok I have to say this when I am still in a bad mood, before I start regreting it.) When I grew up I'll have a car or sth, no matter how ex it can be, because I'll not let my kids suffer like I do (if I ever have kids). Then they'll get more sleep in the morning and they'll not need to trudge home after school at 8 o'clock. Or I'll own a minibus and drive all the unfortunate kids (like me) back home. Sigh. I feel sick, hungry and really really sleepy. I almost fell asleep during CO.

Honestly I can't bring myself to look at anyone from CO now. I feel lonely. Feel like I am not part of them. Cos I am not them. I am different. No matter how hard I want to hide the truth, the fact is still that I'll never be like them. Reality. I cannot connect with them.

Oh thanks Esther Chunyue Siyun! It's fun talking/gossiping with you peeps! Haha friendly Esther and her Pee!


沙沙的谁

斑驳的台阶 一双老旧的鞋
这无声却怀念的 气氛和对味
诗里的世界 被风翻了几页
我的妥协 却被你撕毁

你给我的承诺像标本框里的蝶
冰冷的睡 像永不再醒来的离别

满园的落叶任风吹 听出沙沙的谁
离开的声音急促的令人心碎
你一脸的无邪 却连笑都不给
诗句语带威胁 结局要怎么完美

满园的落叶任风吹 听出沙沙的谁
你的脚步声匆忙的那么零碎
我转过身背对 你远去的感觉
安静的为你 写下一首诗 再落泪


自我催眠

我想要学会自我催眠
痛觉会少一些
潜意识作祟
想着想到失眠我躺在没有你的房间
寂寞更加明显
我渐渐的自我催眠
却回不到从前

I want to zi4 wo3 cui1 mian2. The song is quite sad too. Welcome to my Sucky Life.

Me
_____________________
oneheart
1shin
slyduck
rjc
09S06H
buckle
soccer
rgnpcc[sea]
rgco zhonghu

Likes
_____________________
MayDay
Sodagreen
Tizzy Bac
831
1976
Cheer
FIR
Ayue
Wonfu
縱貫綫
Fukuyama Masaharu
Johnny Depp
and all his movies
CSI NY
CSI Miami
numb3rs
x-files
Severus Snape [HBP]
Agent Smith [Matrix]
Zaizen Goro [GWT]
Harry Bosch books
Pendergast books
Green
Black

People
_____________________

outt nancy serene lau sim joo [dick] yihui [harry] shuhui bernice shihua lena chenhoon crystal mel jingxuan praveena berni vanessa vivian sheryl amy gladys kristin crystal lee alice shimin sherrie loe shinyi michelle ang yuhan litying yanhan divya yiyue [old] (: zhengpei (: chunyue esther huimin jiahui joyce mel sis mint minggy lingg sam serene shuli wanyan X-6AB huuz board huuz blog germz huiwen maple*story keep to the code Achin Forum MayDay official site depp site depp impact depp fan depp zone depp web sparrabeth curiosity freedom s and s eccentricity forget about it terry rossio superherohype x-men forum x-files site x-files all thingsx cosforums dark mark remus/tonks leaky cauldron snape is good csi files gary sinise past my shoulder csi caps csi media csi forensics sMACked miami style david caruso matrix mania

Many Thanks
_____________________
Designed by: Slayerette
Picture from: Google
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Precious Words
_____________________
Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Gilbert Grape was Finding Neverland in the Chocolate Factory, pretending to be a Pirate called Donnie Brasco with Scissors as hands. while dancing with Corpse Bride.

I Trust Severus Snape
I <3 Johnny Depp
Ashin and Achin (:

Past
_____________________
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我的另類世界