Wednesday, August 18, 2004
I may juz hav to quit co. surprising news isnt it. not becuz im starting to hate co or something. why do i hav to hate co anyway. nope. ask de pe department. well...it's de darn quota thingy again. actuallie i expected tat but wad drives me to hate de system so much i do not noe. well...i think i juz feel it's totally unfair fer yanyee, val, mingyue they all. i mean, fer mingyue and yanyee they had been thinking tat they're in de first cca all de time and now they hav to scout fer some other ccas they dun lyk at all. it's definately not fair fer them. as fer val...she had de misconception tat she cn change co to first cca next yr but apparently it doesnt work out well i dunno wad they're going to do...
as fer me...haiz i hav enough of de busy life im leading...i wan to hav some time fer myself. and do de things i hav been neglecting fer de past months. i dunno. if they hav to put me as second cca...i juz hav to let it all go. pretent tat i hav never gone tat direction before. and only now i realize how much i've been thro wif my fellow bachmates. de spuddies. how much feelings i've put into it. something i had pledged loyalty to...i dunno. it'll be terrible fer me to juz let it all escape.
surprisingly how much we've bonded thro de merely 6-7 months. at first i detested co...now i simply luv it. i dun think i can live wifout it. i mean all de fun i hav wif de spuddies and all...unknowingly im part of this culture. this family.
wunt it be sad if i go and join guitar instead? i mean...it'll be fun i suppose but i tat all i want? i'll feel lost. lyk i lack something maybi as important as oxygen well im exaggerating. *cries*
hmm. i noe some pple will luv to see me go.(if i reallie go) lyk my "dear" chair and table, dear grandpa and grandmas. they're...well...still part of my life no matter wad. err dun comment on tat pls yan and mel.
todae yanyee val and me sort of track down ray in de morning outside pb room and tell her about this larhz. she juz say tat she carn do much and she's veri angry oso. but she was smiling away when she said this. i dunno. hope she can do sth about it. but she reallie carn overrule some tchrs rite? i not gonna blame anyone fer anything tho. it's actuallie nobody fault well...
then on de bus to moelc saw gillianne lai asked her wad she'll say she juz nodded at first...but when i said both val and i...gillianne seemed so surprised. and giliian ng at first didnt say anything well when gillianne lai say im frm zhonghu she dun wan me to quit haiz i oso dun wan seriously leave jiahui alone? im not so bad kay...poor jaihui. =X
sometimes i thinking back i realize how much i've changed. in peixin im nobody and rarely tok at all in skool unless im forced to tchrs say im soo quiet. even now in co my northview ex-classmate oso quite surprised at the change. then northland...open up a bit more larh, in 4AA. but pr.5 i reallie spoke up much more maybi cuz i was a prefect then and pri6 im better larhz...well captain ball craziness goes along wif it...
budden i was still much quieter then now i am. it's sec skool life. i mean in pri skool i hardly tok and quite sensible. but now...im lyk a piece of crap. juz in a few mths...reallie.
i feel tired. i think sometimes i laugh fer de sake of doing so. but i guess im juz trying hard to be optimistic. i can get reallie pessimistic but i'll live a miserable life as well. nobody noes tat im actuallie superly pessimistic when i was pri 1, 2, 3...i remember myself totally lonely and sit by de pond watching turtles and fishes swimming...i dun hav any real friends. maybe except hannah. she's half english and chinese...but she look more english than chinese so well... we went to skool together, play catching...haha tat's my life anyway. maybe i noe her thro my grandma. she's much more interactive then im before. i lost my friendship when i went to northland i think...
i dun lyk my previous pri skools. well...not biase but tat's how i feel. i had no watever so feelings about them. and i dun remember much. but northland...everything. how i luv northland. but now do i hav it as much as before?
the pt is, im trying to be optimistic. cuz i'll feel happie when im optimistic. haha logical rite? tat's how i think things go fer me. sometimes i'll feel happie fer a while but isnt tat makes life more meaningful than staring at blank space all day long? tat's why, im trying hard. well...but sometimes i juz carn. but im trying. and still trying. how nice.
haha a long piece. woa unblievable u actuallie read till here...well. thz fer de patience anyway. signing off...
--FIRst Day <33--
8/18/2004 06:58:00 PM
